The Very Secret Diaries of Captain Jack Sparrow
by chef13
Summary: What was Jack really thinking during the movie? And beyond? Find out in the long lost, newly recovered and restored diary of Captain Jack Sparrow! [Rated for swears and some suggestive language. PIRATE!] Better summary inside. Pleaee R&R!
1. Chapter 1

The Very Secret Diaries of Captain Jack Sparrow

Day 35 

3:48 PM – If it weren't for the fact that I am Captain Jack Sparrow, which, by the way, everyone in the known universe is constantly forgetting, I would not be keeping this Captains log. I don't even know what the actual bloody day is! Must make a point to find out. Will write again tomorrow.

Day 58

7:57 PM – Still haven't found out what day it is. Hold on, do I mean what day it was yesterday or what day it is today? Oh, bloody hell, where's my rum!

Day 1

6:27 PM – Have decided to start from scratch. Anyways, must be off; have an "engagement" with Scarlet in half an hour, followed by another one with Giselle. Oh, I pity the poor fool who has never breathed deep the sweet, proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga! (Oooo; good line! I should use that one sometime.)

11:15 PM – Quite a good night for me, I'd say. Unfortunately, I got the bartender in a bit of a tiff when he caught me sleeping with his wife…for the third time.

Day 2

12:49 AM – Damn; bartender has found me hiding out in the alley.

1:00 AM – Managed to get away from fuming bartender. Though I do have a fair amount of bruising in areas I'd rather not mention.

2:45 AM – Honestly, is it so bloody hard to believe that she came on to me!

4:32 AM – Apparently it is. Rather annoying how he keeps finding me. Must think of better hiding place.

4:58 AM – Bloody hell, I thought shimmying up that chimney would throw him off for sure!

5:04 AM – Actually, it might have if I hadn't had a sneezing extravaganza due to all the soot.

5:15 AM –I have decided it would be in my best interest to hop a boat out of here, as bartender doesn't show any signs of sodding off until I am permanently sterile (And in the way that involves exorbitant amounts of pain, mind you. Wow, when did I learn that word?) Also, as I am currently being chased toward the docks anyway, it saves more time than coming up with another plan. Will write more later.

Day 3

8:20 AM – Have been rowing, adjusting sails and otherwise sailor-ing since last entry. Was too tired to write. The only reason I'm bothering now is because I wanted to document that I can finally see some land ahead.

8:25 AM – Also spotted some pirate skeletons hanging from a rock. Have resolved to keep a low profile.

8:30 AM – Arrived in Port Royal. Boat sank. Actually, it was Anna-Maria's boat. "Borrowed" it so I could escape from insane bartender. Hope she isn't mad.

8:39 AM – Weird guy at dock demanded I pay to tie up my boat. Did it even occur to him that, being underwater, the boat wasn't actually there? Paid him anyway, as would have had to tell him my name if I didn't. Soon made up for lost cash by stealing his money bag when he wasn't looking. Teehee.

9:05 AM – Stupid guards are refusing to let me get another boat (I mean, ship). Very annoyed.

9:07 AM – Have distracted guards by getting them into an argument about the Black Pearl. Stupid guards so gullible. I love confusing people.

9:10 AM- Guards caught me trying to unscrew helm from ship. Thought I was trying to steal the ship. Yeah right; like I want a ship with such a crap paint job! Oh well, helm wouldn't have sold for much anyway.

9:12 AM – Have confused guards again by screwing with their words. Go me!

9:17 AM – Am telling stupid guards a lovely story I've written about becoming a chief. Can't remember where exactly; got lost in my own ramblings.

10:00 AM – Not really sure why, but some lady just fell off a cliff. Had to save her, as stupid guards couldn't swim. (Quite odd, seeing as they work at a dock.) Beginning to think leaving beloved revenge pistol and magic compass with stupid guards was a bad idea.

10:04 AM – Do women just want to die of suffocation or are they too dim to realize that the reason they are unable to breath is because the corset is cutting off their air supply?

10:06 AM – Found that the pretty lady who fell off the cliff had a piece of Aztec gold. That can only mean one thing!…Um…Just give me a second; I'll remember.

10:07 AM – Didn't have a chance to remember as Royal Navy showed up. Apparently, the pretty girl's name is Elizabeth. Her father though I was trying to strip her or something, when I was only trying to get her lungs working again, and told everyone to shoot me! Honestly, has anyone but me ever been to Singapore?

10:08 AM – Elizabeth's trying to save me from being shot! YES!

10:10 AM – Commodore tricked me into showing him my pirate tattoo. STUPID!

10:12 AM – Governor (i.e.: father of Elizabeth) has ordered me hanged. Am about to be put in irons by some man named Gillette. (Honestly! What were his parents on!)

10:15 AM – Not only did he forget to call me Captain (What else is new?), but was it absolutely necessary for Norrington to make fun of me for not having a ship? I'm working on it!

10:16 AM – Oh, sure! NOW the stupid guards figure out I was telling the truth!

10:17 AM – It has been clarified that it was a bad idea to leave my stuff with the stupid guards, seeing as they have given it all to Norrington! Don't they know it's not nice to have your way with other people's valuables without their permission?...Wait a second; that sounds familiar.

10:20 AM – Luckily, Norrington too stupid to see true value of my effects. Though he did say I was the worst pirate he'd ever heard of. Contradicted him by pointing out that, while that may be true, he HAD heard of me. This seemed to get him quite miffed, as he dragged me off to the guy with the irons.

10:22 AM – Elizabeth still trying to save me. Starting to feel bad that I have to use her as a ploy in my escape plot.

10:23 AM – A lifetime of wickedness! How dare he say such a thing! I was hardly ransacking villages when I was a tot!

10:24 AM – Have taken Elizabeth hostage. Go me! Have commanded my effects back, emphasizing hat, as I currently don't have enough money to buy a bigger one, despite stealing dock guy's purse.

10:25 AM – Elizabeth now giving me back my stuff. Rather enjoying it, really.

10:30 AM – Just made miraculous narrow escape. Well, right up until the point when I was sent careening around in a circle and everyone started shooting at me! At least my last line was good. Luckily, landed on a mast and slid down a rope. WEEE!

10:45 AM – Have successfully hidden from guards chasing me. Yes! Have hidden in blacksmith shop to avoid getting caughty-ness.

10:46 AM – Tools should prove useful for getting rid of pesky hand chain. Had just removed hat, when I discovered there was actually another guy in here! Went over to investigate threat factor, however he seems to be either an extremely deep sleeper or dead.

10:48 AM – ARG! Damn faulty blacksmith tools!

10:49 AM – Hey, what's that wheel thingy on the ceiling?

10:52 AM – The donkey on the wheel goes round and round! Have broken chain. YES!

10:53 AM – Oh crap! Somebody's coming!

10:54 AM – Kid who came in is very strange. He's talking to the dead guy AND an inanimate hammer! Good God!

10:55 AM – Hey! Nobody touches the hat, dude!

10:57 AM – Kid mad at me for threatening Miss Swann (Otherwise know as Elizabeth). It was only a little! Plus, have the eerie feeling that I've threatened him before, as well. Funny, I usually remember my victims.

11:00 AM – Damn; kid better with a sword than I predicted.

11:02 AM – Kid has thrown sword in door. Minor setback. At least he doesn't have a weapon now.

11:03 AM – Kid has found new weapon. Why am I always wrong?

11:05 AM – Me and kid having epic battle around the wheelie thing with his new and improved RED HOT sword! Was baffled by how many swords are actually in here. Apparently he makes them, and then "practices for three hours a day". Talk about not having a life! Bet he's still a virgin. And probably a eunuch, too. I'll ask.

11:07 AM – Kid never actually answered the eunuch question, but he did manage to say that he practices three hours a day so he can kill me. Oh, how I'm flattered. NOT!

11: 15 AM – Extremely complicated turn of events involving a see-saw thingy and leaping nimbly about on the rafters. Anyway, ended up back on the ground, sprayed kid with bag of sand and pointed pistol at him. Kid seemed surprised that I cheated. Reminded him that I am a for-crying-out-loud pirate! How dim is he?

11:16 AM – People trying to break in and kid is refusing to get away from the back door. If I have to use my revenge bullet just to get out a bloody shop, I will be extremely pissed off!

11:07 AM – Dead guy knocked me out. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!


	2. Chapter 2

Still Day 3

6:45 PM – OW! Head hurts! Probably because I was hit on the head by a bloody glass bottle! Where am I anyway?

6:47 PM – Bloody hell, I'm in jail! Not that it's a new situation or anything, but the neighbors usually aren't choice. And the prospect of being hanged doesn't help much either.

6:50 PM – Wasn't very nice of Norrington to put me in jail. What did I ever do to him (I mean besides being a pirate and taking his precious Elizabeth hostage for a few measly seconds)?

6:52 PM – Well, there was that one time I used his basement as a hideout a few years back. Probably still mad about me walking in on him on my search for the bathroom. What WAS he doing in that dress!

6:53 PM – Actually, he was probably madder when I told him that red wasn't his color.

6:57 PM – Worst fears confirmed; prisoners next door are utter morons! They are attempting to lure over the dog holding the keys with a bone. Honestly! I mean, if I had the cell keys, the last think I'd do is trade them for a greasy, old bone!

6:58 PM – Unless maybe it were bacon grease. Mmmmm; bacon.

6:59 PM – Anyone who doesn't like bacon is daft! In fact, I think I want some now.

7:20 PM – Other prisoners getting annoyed with my constant talk of bacon. Also because I keep telling them that the dog isn't going to move, which, thus far, it hasn't. But their efforts are so pathetically heartfelt, I'm beginning to think it might work.

7:22 PM – Dog update; still hasn't moved. Have gone back to my original theory.

7:45 PM – Have been amusing myself by harassing the other prisoners. Every few minutes, I throw a handful of straw at them and, when they turn around, I yell "Look! He's moving!" I may be in jail, but I can still get a few laughs.

7:48 PM – Hahahahahaha!

8:00 PM – IT'S THE PEARL! At long last! WOO HOO! I am no longer in the market (As it were)!

8:01 PM – Good mood destroyed by the realization that I am in jail and, therefore, can not get to the Pearl. Good mood returned when I got to show off my great skill in the art of "smart ass" once again by telling the stupid prisoners that if a situation leaves not survivors, there can't be any witnesses to tell people about it later. Wow, that was a long sentence! Now my hand's tired.

8:15 PM – Cannon fire has blown out cell wall!

8:16 PM – HELL FIRE! It blew out the whole wall EXCEPT for the part in MY cell! Bloody, bloody hell!

8:17 PM – I think I'm a new believer in karma.

8:20 PM – I can't believe I've been reduced to this. Here, doggy, doggy!

8:21 PM – ARG! Dog ran away! And it was actually working, too! (Must have been my suave charm and good looks.) Anyways, that's not even the first time I've offended somebody by calling them a cat. Must learn from mistakes in the future.

8:30 PM – Interesting, pirates just came down looking for the armory. Made fun of me for being marooned ten years ago so I used some fancy words to tell them they were going to hell. Thought that would confuse them, but one grabbed my neck and his hand turned all bone-ish. Can't believe there actually is a curse! Pirates have left.

9:00 PM – Hey, I wonder if Barbossa realizes that if he hadn't marooned me, I'd be cursed to. Must be killing him! Teehee.

9:01 PM – Hahahaha! I just realized that if Barbossa is cursed, then he actually can't die. Haha! I made a joke! Haha!

9:05 PM – Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Day 4

6:45 AM – After laughing fit subsided, spent the entire night gnawing bone into a lock pick. Dog must have gotten to it at some point because, FYI, it defiantly wasn't bacon grease.

7:00 AM – Grrrr. Almost got the bloody lock undone! Just…a little…more!

7:05 AM – Had to abandon attempt as someone is coming down.

7:06 AM – Hey, it's the kid from the shop! Just asked me about the Black Pearl; this could be interesting. Will pretend I have forgotten about sword fight.

7:30 AM – Am out of jail and approaching the docks. Have kid with me. OK, so here's the lowdown: kid asked me where the Pearl was, so I gave him the "island only found by those who already know where it is" line. Asked him if he wanted to find ship so he could turn pirate and he got all sneery. But the he caved and said he wanted to save his girlfriend, that pretty Elizabeth person, from being kidnapped. At first, didn't see any profit for me, until he said he could break me out. Being intrigued by this proposition, I asked his name. And guess what? He's bloody Will Turner! Bootstrap's son! I knew I recognized him! Anyway, realized that, due to the fact that she has that piece of gold (I knew I'd remember!), pirates must think Elizabeth is the person whose blood they need to lift the curse. But I'VE got him right here! Can you say leverage? MAJOR LEVERAGE! Knew I could definitely use kid to get Pearl back and maybe get close enough to kill Barbossa when they lift the curse. So I let him break me out in exchange for finding his bonnie lass. So now we're off to commander a ship. More later.

7:35 AM – Note to self; teach Will proper nautical terms.

7:37 AM – Underwater in boat. Will's foot caught in lobster trap. Hilarious, really.

7:45 AM – Lobster trap proved useful when climbing up side of "Dauntless".

7:50 AM – You'd think the son of bootstrap Bill wouldn't be so incompetent of pirate ways. But he is. A lot.

7:51 AM – "Aye, avast!" I ask you!

7:55 AM – Despite great idiocy on the part of Will, I did manage to get men off the ship with the aid of my trust pistol and use of the word "Savvy". Plan has commenced!

8:45 AM – Norrington such a prat! Obviously though his plan was so good, but mine, as usual, was one step ahead. Norrington and Navy guys rode up on the Interceptor when they saw us trying to start our ship. Even though it was totally obvious that two men alone can't get a ship going, they still had to be all dramatic and swing over to our ship like a bunch of deranged monkeys! Anyway, whist they were milling about, me and Will swung over to their already started ship and sailed off. Was quite polite and thanked Norrington for helping us make way, and in return he tried to fire at us. Luckily, I had thought ahead and disabled all the cannons. Teehee; stupid Norrington.

10:00 AM – Now that we are well out to sea, Will has started talking to me. Seems to be hinting at the fact that I knew his Dad. Will pretend I don't know what he means.

10:05 AM – Had to give in as Will was looming over me like a bloody cobra!

10:06 AM – Will not to pleased with the fact that his Daddy was a pirate. In fact, he is in complete and utter denial. Pathetic.

10:07 AM – Denial has gotten worse; Will has brandished his sword at me. Must make point of getting anger management brochures.

10:08 AM – Got tired of Will's sassy attitude, so I hung him out over the water on the spanker rod (aka – large wooden pole thingy). Teehee. Perhaps now he will shut up.

10:10 AM – While Will was dangling over the water, I took the moment to explain to him "The only rules that really matter" (also known as what a man can do and what a man can't do). Basically told him to buck up and get over that his Daddy was a pirate because he's going to have to deal with the pirate in his blood anyway. Also threw in the fact that I would let him drown but I need him to run the ship. (Luckily he doesn't seem to realize that this gives him one up on me. Phew!)

10:12 AM – Have let Will back on ship. Now seems to be fine about traveling with a pirate and has agreed to sail to Tortuga to find a crew. Overall, a most full-filling day.

11:30 AM – Now that he's stop squabbling with me, have come to realize that Will is actually quite good looking. I wonder if he's better looking than I am.

11:45 AM – If I'm hanging around with someone better looking than me, will it decrease my chances of getting laid?

11:48 AM – Bloody hell, I may have to kill myself.

12:00 PM – Wait, then who would kill Barbossa?

12:01 PM – I'll have to write a note telling someone to kill Barbossa after I've killed myself.

12:03 PM – What if the person who finds the note can't read?

12:05 PM – Maybe I'll kill Barbossa, then kill myself. That way I get the best of both worlds.

12:10 PM – Or maybe I'll just kill Barbossa.

12:12 PM – Yeah, that sounds good.


	3. Chapter 3

Still Day 4

9:00 PM – Me and Will just arrived in Tortuga. Met a few of my 'lady friends' while walking through town. Tried to give them a friendly hello and they both SLAPPED me! Humph; I didn't even deserve that! Oh well, off to seek out Mr. Gibbs.

9:30 PM – Finally found Mr. Gibbs. Unfortunately for him, he was sleeping at the time so we had to 'wake him'. Bloody moron cursed me for breathing and called me a slack-jawed idiot! I think that was a bit harsh; it was just a little water! Well, OK, it was a bucket of water, but it's not like I shot him in the leg to wake him up! (Learned not to do that the hard way.) Anyway, I told him I'd buy him a drink to get him to calm down. May need to get him a second, as he's now even more mad because Will threw MORE water on him! Though, I must say, it did help with the smell.

11:06 PM – Just had a lovely talk with Mr. Gibbs! Won't go into excruciating detail about that; the bottom line is I told him about using Will to get the Pearl back, he's all for it, so he's going to find me a crew. Go me! Have a feeling I'm going to have a very good night's sleep!

Day 5

2:57 AM – Well, I WAS having a good night's sleep! Right up until Will started snoring like a drunk pirate! Hold on a second, did I just insult myself!

9:09 AM – That is the last time I let Gibbs put a crew together! I mean, where did he find these guys! AND WHAT'S WITH THE MIDGET? (Come to think of it, I might have given him more than one night to come up with a crew, but I'm not about to blame myself for this!) Oh well, at least I have my green banana! Yeah, green bananas!

9:11 AM –A MUTE! WHY'D HE HIRE A BLOODY MUTE!

9:12 AM – Great! I now have a crew made up of a mute who talks through his parrot, a midget, and a bunch of other guys Gibbs traded for salt! If anybody finds out about this, I think I might die of embarrassment!

9:13 AM – Come to think of it, I'm a bit surprised I haven't seen Anna-Maria around here yet. She's probably around somewhere. Wonder if she's still mad about me 'borrowing' her boat?

9:15 AM – Yup, she's still mad. Honestly, if all this slapping keeps up, I'm going to get a rash!

9:17 AM – Anna-Maria has slapped me a second time and, out of fear, I have promised her another boat to replace the one I borrowed.

9:18 AM – Damn Will! He promised Anna-Maria the Interceptor after I'm done with it. I wanted to keep that for a spare!

9:20 AM – Gibbs super-bloody-stitious and doesn't want me to let Anna on board. Fine! Let HIM be the one getting slapped for a change! Bloody fine with me!

11:36 PM – Couldn't write before now as was trying to break in new crew. Bunch of ingrates! Obviously not fit to sail under the command of a prestigious captain such as myself. (Well, neither is Will, but I need him for bargaining.) Plus, that midget keeps giving me dirty looks. (Don't trust that little bugger; every time he touches a rope, it takes him flying into the air! How is he supposed to fire a bloody gun?) Anyways, then, as if things weren't going bad enough, it started to storm like the devil himself! Must go now; have to steer the ship and page is getting wet.

11:47 PM – On the other hand, it is fan-bloody-tastic to be captaining a ship in a rolling storm, again! (Such fond memories; the open ocean, the spray of the sea on my face, ransacking and pillaging villages.) Plus, according to my magic compass, we're catching up! Beginning to get rather excited, but not to worry; Captain Jack Sparrow has always had an innate sense of self control.

11:53 PM – WOO HOO! I AM INVINCIBLE! BUAHAHAHAHA! Watch out, Davy Jones, here comes Jack!

Day 6 

6:30 AM – Sorry about that last entry. Re-read it this morning and I was this close to burning it. Anyways, should be arriving at caves by noon, tops.

6:47 AM – I wonder what it's like being a mute? Been studying Cotton, and if you don't actually have to have your tongue cut out, it seems pretty easy; not having to bother with all the words and such. I think I'll give it a bit of a go.

11: 24 AM – Have come to the conclusion that being a mute bites anchor! For the past four and a half hours, had to use ridiculous hand gestures to try to tell people things! Seeing as I couldn't actually TELL anyone I had become a mute, the sods just stared at me like I'd got bloody mad (I mean more than usual)! And the ones who did manage to work out what I was doing either came up with hugely idiotic translations to what I was trying to say or laughed until I hit them with the butt of my pistol. (Couldn't even get any breakfast because the prat in charge of handing it out laughed himself to the floor. Starving and silent; where am I? The nunnery!) Anyways, won't be becoming a real mute anytime soon, as words are much more superior means of communication set down by our forefathers. (Or possible by incessantly grunting cavemen) Plus, Mr. Cotton keeps staring at my compass over my shoulder as I'm trying to steer, and it's much easier to tell him to sod off when using words.

11:25 AM – Oh yeah; got lost in my drawl about mutes and I forgot to mention we've arrived at the caves. Can see Pearl in the distance. Must get Will and go ashore.

11:27 AM – Apparently Gibbs has been passing a bit of time telling Will my ENTIRE life story! (Bloody sod! I don't need the kid figuring out I'm using him as leverage!) He was up to the part when, like I told everyone, I got off the island I was marooned on by making a raft out of sea turtles. (Well, I could have if I wanted to! It's just that hitching a ride with the rum traders was altogether simpler! What the hell would you have done?) Anyway, got my one back when I freaked them both out by saying that I roped the turtles together with my back hair. Teehee. Me and Will now rowing into cave. Have told Gibbs to keep to the code if the worst should happen. (And it'd better not; I didn't spend two days on a boat with the ever incompetent Will for nothing!)

12:00 PM – Have lit lantern, as is very dark inside cave. Will scared by pirate skeleton lying about and asked exactly what I meant by telling Gibbs to keep to the code. Figured he ought to know that one, so I cut right to the chase; any man who falls behind is left behind. Will tried to be a smartass by commenting "No hero's among thieves, eh?". Uh, yeah; duh! That's kind of the point!

12:01 PM – Just realized that, while Will is just about the definition of "anti-pirate", he's actually not to far off from one. I mean, look at the facts: over the last day and a half, he sprung me from jail, commandeered a ship, and sailed with a crew of insane miscreants out of Tortuga! Plus, he's completely obsessed with treasure! (Of course, speaking in a rather symbolic and befuddling context, as is my nature, I mean Elizabeth, who may as well be encrusted with rubies for all the trouble he's going through!) Told Will this (Not all that stuff in parentheses, obviously) and he protested that he wasn't obsessed with "treasure". Either he's still in denial, or he can't work out the symbolism. Whichever it is, it's probably not going to work to my advantage in the long run.

12:07 PM – Speech, speech, bloody BORING speech! Why don't the pirates make it easier on themselves and just slit her open already!

12:08 PM – Good God; I don't think Will's going to be able to control himself; keeps trying to jump out and grab Elizabeth. Damn hormones.

12:09 PM – I could just stab him; that'd tame him a bit.

12:10 PM – No! Must be strong! Need…him…for…plan!

12:11 PM – Told Will to wait for the opportune moment before jumping out and getting us both killed, then tried to lead him away from the view, just in case. Apparently, Will has been thinking (possibly not safe for someone who can't even register symbolism) and said "And when is that; when it's of the greatest profit to you?" Even though that is my life motto (I have it nailed to the wall of my cabin), I couldn't very well have him thinking he was right. So as a comeback, I asked him if I had ever given him any reason not to trust me. Which, as far as he knows about, I haven't (Well, I did swing him over the water on a beam that one time, but he doesn't seem to remember, which is good news for my argument). Anyways, wanted to get closer to the pirate happenings, and, as my last statement seemed to be having a decent effect, I begged Will to stay put and not do anything stupid.

12:15 PM – Why do I even bother! Honestly, I should just call the pirates over here and save Will the trouble! Idiot has smacked me in the head with an oar. Apparently, he somehow found out I was planning to use him as leverage. (If Gibbs told, I'll kill him!) I'm actually only pretending to be knocked out, because if I get up, he'll just hit me again. Shall get up as soon as he leaves.

12:16 PM – On second thought, I'm developing a bit of a headache. Perhaps I'll take a little nap.


	4. Chapter 4

Still Day 6

12:48 PM – Damn; Will hit me harder than I thought, the stupid whelp! Since when did knocking out the mastermind count as not stupid? Ouch; where's that oar gone off to? I need something to limp on.

12: 51 PM – Accidentally stumbled across old crew. (You remember; the ones who marooned me to die ten years ago?) They were obviously quite surprised to see me because the one whose buddy has the wooden eye said "You're supposed to be dead!" Perhaps if I agree with them, they won't think I need to be killed again.

12:52 PM – Pretending I was already dead didn't work (Barbossa must have invested in that on-board library I was looking into.) Anyway, they never were quite a negotiable bunch so, since I'm now surrounded, have decided to invoke the sacred right

12:53 PM – Slight problem; name of that particular bit of the code has escaped me. (Probably flew out of my ear by way of Will hitting me with oar. Bloody git!)

12:54 PM – Par…sley. Par…snip. Par…liament. Par…t of me is enjoying this.

12:55 PM – Guy with the wooden eye has kindly reminded me that the name is parley. His buddy was annoyed because he didn't get to blow my head off or whatever, so instead he damned whoever thought up parley straight to hell. Thought he might want to know exactly who he was condemning, so I told him it was the French and made a list of all the other useless things they've come up with, if only for a way of stalling any other possible death.

12:57 PM – Actually, mayonnaise isn't that bad an invention. But the French are Latin based, and Latin is a stupid dead language nobody cares about, so I win!

1:02 PM – Pirates have gone to fetch Barbossa, due to the parley thing. Am entertaining them by continuing my rant about the French. I think they might actually be enjoying it. Unfortunately, I am running out of ideas.

1:08 PM – Barbossa has arrived. (Very fortunate because annoyingly small jars of jam was my last useless thing) Anyway, Barbossa very interested (and possible baffled) to know how I got of the island. Just a crap load of dumb luck really, but I sure as bloody hell wasn't going to tell him that! Didn't feel like recollecting the whole Gibb's story, so I stuck with the "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow" line. Even if it isn't the most satisfying answer, still seems to convince people that I'm too smart to fail at anything, so it works for me.

1:10 PM – Barbossa obviously in a bad mood because he has ordered the pirates to kill me. Then I remember that the only reason I was even here was because I wanted to trade them Will for my ship. Pretended I was making small talk by bringing up the fact that Elizabeth's blood didn't work. Then Barbossa did that thing he does; whenever somebody mentions something of even remote interest, he changes his mind, turns around in that menacingly slow way and goes along with whatever you say. I wonder if he realizes how predictable he is.

1:13 PM – Barbossa taking me back to his ship (known to some as MY ship) to negotiate terms for giving up my information.

1:15 PM – I just realized that if I don't give it up voluntarily; Barbossa'll probably keelhaul me until I do. Might want to do this quickly.

1:20 PM – Barbossa apparently thinks I am an idiot who doesn't remember anything. If I recall, the last time I gave up valuable information when the bugger was close enough to steal my ship, it didn't work out so good. Obviously my plan of not giving him the name he wants until he's standing on some beach, and I'm sailing off with MY ship safely in tow, then calling the name back to him is much better than the one he's suggesting.

1:21 PM – Apparently Barbossa does not agree. Reminded him that, having not committed mutiny, I am much more trustworthy than he is. (Even though, if my plan plays out, I'll probably "accidentally" call the wrong name out to him.)

1:23 PM – Decided to have a bit of fun by casually mentioning that if Barbossa hadn't marooned me, I'd be cursed as well. Not sure if it ever occurred to him before, like I thought, but he does seem annoyed about it now, so I'm pleased.

1:24 PM – Quite fond of apples. Intriguing how they stay so fresh on a musty ship infested with half rotting zombie pirates?

1:25 PM – Oh crap; getting closer to the Interceptor. Barbossa plans to storm ship as Elizabeth has apparently taken his medallion and he wants it back. This presents a problem because if he gets on that boat and sees Will, my whole plan of using Will's identity as leverage will go straight to the flaming depths.

1:26 PM – Have followed Barbossa on deck. As I want him off the boat at all cost, to keep him from finding out about Will, I have had a thought involving me going over, fetching medallion and bringing it back for him. Would tell this to Barbossa, but he's become rather intent on watching the Interceptor approach. Can see I shall have to use more forceful measures to get some attention.

1:30 PM – Perhaps it was a bit rash to get in front of his telescope like that, but it was the only way he'd acknowledge me! Anyway, Barbossa apparently did not go for my new proposition, said something about killing me because I'm easier to search that way, then locked me in the brig (But not before taking my apple, which I hadn't even finished with yet!) Plus, there's a leak down here and the 10 inches of very organic water is making me apprehensive.

1:31 PM – Have found source of leak. Fortunately, it also doubles as an excellent way to observe Interceptor activities.

1:54 PM – Interceptor trying many maneuvers to get away from the Pearl. Don't seem to realize that there is a reason they call it the fastest ship in the Caribbean!

2:15 PM – Pathetic, really; my crew has no chance of winning, yet they can't seem to come to grips with it. Have they caught Will's denial? God, that's the last thing I need if I ever get back over there.

2:25 PM – STUPID CREW! The sods are blowing holes in my ship! And not even with cannon balls! But with a bunch of completely random objects they shoved in the cannons! Found Gibb's flask among the stuff that came through the wall. Bloody empty! What good came from firing that!

2:27 PM – Hey, what's up with the door?

2:28 PM – COOL! Cannon fire has blown out cell door! And in MY cell this time! This calls for a victory dance!

2:29 PM – Or maybe later.

2:33 PM – In the mass havoc taking place on deck, nobody noticed me saunter over to the edge railing. Apparently, all my respect hasn't been lost as some nice man kindly brought rope over for me to swing on. Though I was a bit confused as to why he was lying on the deck, thanked him anyway and took to getting back to the crew.

2:34 PM – Stupid bloody rope swung back the other way when I tried to get onto the Interceptor. Why do none of the ropes I use go where I want them to? On the bright side, managed to take out guy who was attacking Gibbs on the back swing.

2:35 PM – Have returned Gibb's flask to him. Told him he should have the decency to keep the thing filled if he's planning to fire it at someone.

2:40 PM – Can't find Elizabeth anywhere! Must get medallion!

2:45 PM – Found Elizabeth. Pirate was about to kill her or something. Told him that that wasn't very nice and slipped one of my anger management brochures into his pocket.

2:46 PM – Pirate not quite as appreciative as I had predicted.

2:47 PM – Wow; Elizabeth not totally incompetent with a rifle, as she has used it to knock out pirate. This puts her ahead of Will in the brains department by about a million to 1.5.

2:48 PM - Elizabeth's stats now considerably lower as, when I asked her where the bloody medallion was, she tried to slap me! Fortunately, due to the number of times that happened in the passed few days, I was prepared and blocked her hand. Go me!

2:50 PM – Realized that, seeing as Elizabeth did not have the medallion, she must have given it to Super Idiot Boy (aka- Will). Asked her where he'd gone off to, and she muttered "Will!" and ran away. Honestly; is an answered question to much to ask?

2:53 PM – Elizabeth seems to have found Will hiding in the hold. Typical; NOW the whelp doesn't want any confrontation! Oh, but he's just FINE with charging out when my life happens to be on the line!

2:57 PM – DAMNIT! Barbossa's bloody monkey got a hold of the medallion! Must get medallion!

2:59 PM – STUPID MONKEY! GIMME THAT!

3:00 PM – Just realized how idiotic I must look scuttling across a beam after a bloody monkey!

3:02 PM – Barbossa has apparently named his monkey after me. Am very honored. (No, actually, considering I HATE that bloody monkey!)

3:03 PM – Quite uncomfortable being in the middle of an entire mob whose rooting against you. Especially when they're actually cheering that you've lost.

3:15 PM – Crew has been taken prisoner by cursed pirates. Have been warned not to say parley. Damn.

3:17 PM – Interceptor has exploded. Brings back such fond memories. Unfortunately, Will has probably gone along with it. There goes my leverage!

3:18 PM – Will's not dead! Yes! Might still have a chance to get the Pearl back! (Unless, of course, he does something stupid.)

3:20 PM – God; Will did something stupid again! About to kill himself for no reason!

3:21 PM – Hey, where'd he get my pistol, anyway? Was wondering where it went!

3:23 PM – Shite! He's using himself as bloody leverage to save his bloody girlfriend! Must stop him from telling Barbossa who he is!

3:25 PM – Triple bloody shite in hell! He told! And I was coming up with such an interesting identity for him, too! (OK, so I made him a eunuch; picky, picky!) Well, at least he can use himself to bargain us free now.

3:30 PM – I HATE HIM! I BLOODY HATE HIM! Bloody hell, if I had two bullets! I can't believe this; Will has bargained everyone free and/or unharmed, with the exception of ME! Why couldn't he have just blown up and left the world with one less idiot!

3:45 PM – Teehee; old Barbossa twisting words again. He's going to let Elizabeth go free by throwing her overboard! Would give almost anything to see Will's face again.

3:46 PM – Quite funny watching pirates knock Elizabeth off the plank.

3:47 PM – Right up until I realized it was my turn next.

3:54 PM – Barbossa being such a prig! First off, he is marooning me on the same island he did before just to humiliate me. Second, he won't even give me two pistols so I can shoot Elizabeth when she gets all whiny about Will! But he did return my old one that Will somehow got a hold of. However, I don't count this as a nice gesture, as his idea of returning it was by throwing it into the water and making me jump in after it.

3:58 PM – That's the second time I've had to watch him sail away in my ship. I don't think I can stand much more of this!


	5. Chapter 5

Still Day 6

4:00 PM – A marooned pirate and his island reunited! Oh, the sickening joy! Actually, this sucks more than the last time Barbossa marooned me on his stupid island because now bloody Elizabeth is here! Shall keep you posted on my rapidly lowering sanity level.

4:47 PM – Elizabeth refusing to shut up about bloody Will! Even after I explained everything was all his bloody fault for blowing his identity! HATE WILL!

4:55 PM – Told Elizabeth the real way I got off the island so she would shut up. Didn't work. God, she's annoying! Am beginning to rethink Barbossa's suggestion regarding pistol.

8:00 PM: Have come to find that Elizabeth isn't really that bad a person to be stranded with. She taught me the most lovely song and then we both got drunk and danced around the campfire! Then I thought she was coming on to me, but she really wasn't. Damn. Would have annoyed the hell out of Will if I slept with her. (Oh well, probably wouldn't have liked it much anyway, as, due to her drunken state, I believe she though I was some sort of couch, the way she was leaning all over me!) I should probably stop writing now; beginning to feel a bit dizzy.

Day 7 

7:46 AM – AHHH! Bloody hangover!

7:47 AM – Can't remember anything from last night. Pretty sure I got some action, though…Nay, Elizabeth's to obsessed with bloody Will. Bet the bloody couch got some, though…or something…BLOODY HANGOVER!

7:48 AM – Elizabeth started dancing around the campfire without me!

7:51 AM – NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD! Bloody Elizabeth BURNED all the bloody rum! Went temporarily insane when I found out and actually started gnawing on this book! I think she got the message, as she hasn't come near me since.

8:20 AM – After roughly 30 consecutive minutes with no rum, I think I can actually feel my liver healing itself!

8:45 AM – Just great! Now, in addition to everything else, my throat is now burning as a result of drinking seawater. Note to self: it doesn't taste like rum. Could things get any worse?

9:05 AM –Things just got worse. Thanks to bloody Elizabeth and her stupid signal fire, half the bloody royal Navy showed up! Hate Elizabeth.

9:20 AM – Was picked up by Norrington. This means I now have two choices; die of starvation on island or go back to Port Royal and hang. Kind of a lose-lose situation, really.

9:23 AM– Elizabeth trying to convince Norrington to save Will. Like that's gonna happen! She does realize that those two are competing for her, right?

9:27 AM– Tried to get Norrington to go after the Pearl by bringing up the personal glory factor. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to work on useless sods.

9:28 AM – Elizabeth has accepted Norrington's marriage proposal in exchange for saving Will. Have identified two slight problems; 1) if she's married to Norrington, she wouldn't be able to get off with Will, so either way it doesn't play out, and 2) its just plain disgusting! Norrington's like twice her age! He wears a wig for crying out loud! Oh well, at least there'll be drinks at the wedding.

9:29 AM – Call it a hunch, but I actually don't think I'm invited.

9:30 AM – Damn; Norrington didn't fall for the "Clap me in irons and I'll be a good little pirate" trick. (Should have known he'd be way smarter than Will.) Instead, I have had to give them directions to secret island where the Pearl is. Now, after being locked in the brig for my trouble, I have been ordered to do some sort of brainstorming assignment. I think I prefer starvation.

10:17 AM – "Silent as the grave". Well, there is of course the obvious meaning, that if you are dead you can't very well make any noise. But Mr. Smarty-Wig's probably already got that one figured out, as he seems to be present at enough hangings.

10:39 AM – I suppose it could also be referring to the grave itself. After all, being a hole in the ground, I don't expect it could make much noise either.

10:43 AM – But what about all the worms and titchy things living in the hole? Surely they can't be totally silent! Perhaps it doesn't count because the sounds they make are too quiet to hear.

10:58 AM – Norrington really knows how to torture people.

9:52 PM – After scouring over meanings of "Silent as the Grave" for about 2 hours, I realized that Norrington doesn't give a wit about wither or not I turn in the assignment, as long as I end up dead. Therefore, since about 1:00, due to Will's idiocy, I've had to formulate a new plan to get the Pearl back and escape from the Navy. After roughly 8 hours, I think I've almost got it. Just have to make sure there's no way even Will can screw it up.

10:03 PM – Once again, I, Captain Jack Sparrow, have proved my intelligence vastly superior to that of ordinary men! AHA! No idiot whelps can mess this one up!

10:05 PM – Just realized that I should probably document just what me plan is so future generations may marvel at my genius. OK, here's what I'm gonna do; First, I will tell Norrington to wait outside the cave on the Dauntless, not knowing the pirates are immortal, while I go in and convince the pirates to go out so the Dauntless can ambush them with its little cannons. However, when I get in, hopefully before they have killed Will, I shall tell the pirates that the Navy is waiting for them. I shall then convince Barbossa to send out the pirates to attack the Navy, waiting to lift the curse until after they've won, so Barbossa will have two ships. (To make sure he believes I am telling the truth, I'll promise to sail the Pearl under Barbossa's command for him and give him some of my plunder to sweeten the deal. Have decided on 10. Honestly; I'm not a saint!) Then after the pirates have gone on the attack, I'll free Will from whatever chains they've put him in and let him take care of any leftover pirates who have stayed behind while I do battle with Barbossa, who will no longer have an entire army backing him up. (Man to man, you see.) Now you may have two questions at this point. Number one; what is the point of fighting the immortal Barbossa if I won't be able to kill him? And number 2; what if Barbossa uses his immortality as an advantage and kills me? Well, I have an answer to both (Though not the same one). As for the killing me thing, that won't be a problem because I will have taken a piece of the cursed gold when he wasn't looking (I'll work out specifics later). But that still leaves the question of "What's the point of two immortal people fighting each other if neither one of them (aka; Barbossa) is going to die?" Well, as I will say to Barbossa, wait to lift the curse until the opportune moment. When the right time presents itself, I shall cut my hand or any such appendage (That really didn't sound right.) and get my blood on the coin I have taken. I'll then pass the coin off to Will. (Hopefully, even he can work out that there is only one possible reason here I would throw a blood-covered coin at him.) When Will has the coin, he will run to the chest, gash himself and throw both coins in. This will lift the curse. Barbossa will be temporarily confused, and so I have my opportune moment! After Barbossa is dead, and probably most of the crew, what with the battle outside and all, I'll go to the Pearl, free the crew, we shall all sail off into the horizon and all will be right with the world! Notice how I worked it so the pirates would be away from the Pearl during this whole thing, so I wouldn't chance them making off with it again. So that's my brilliant plan (and hand cramp). Pretty good, eh? I thought so. Should be arriving at cave soon.

10:27 PM – Have arrived at cave. Norrington will have to let me on the dingy to show them cave entrance. Thus I shall put my plan into action.

10:45 PM – In boat with Norrington. (Who is still being an absolute prig by the way. Geez; who pissed in his whiskey?) Anyway, have told Norrington I will go in and set up pirates for ambush. Doesn't look like he likes it very much, but I think it's just because he doesn't like me.

10:46 PM – Oh wait! Elizabeth! I forgot! She knows the pirates can't die! She'll tell Norrington! Norrington won't go along with my plan if he knows they can't die! GAH! Fast thinking! Fast thinking!

10:50 PM – Phew, I'm saved. Thanks to Norrington's unnatural attraction to a girl twice his age (Bloody sicko!), I have managed to convince him that Elizabeth should be locked up on the ship to keep her safe during the ambush (And incidentally keeping her from giving away any info). Close call, but the plan is going forward. Am now rowing into cave.

10:52 PM – Why do these pirates have to stand so bloody close together! I'm surrounded by bloody eunuchs! (Quite literally.)

10:53 PM – Honestly; the man is immortally cursed, and Barbossa doesn't think me getting off that island is even a little bit probable! I mean, I've already done it once before!

10:55 PM – Will has the most one track mind ever! The first thing he asks when he sees me is, not something practical, like "Are you here to save me?" or "May I buy you some replacement rum?", but "Where is Elizabeth?"! That doesn't even deserve an answer, but I shall provide one anyway as I am due for a good rant.

10:57 PM – Quite sure that Will actually does realize that Elizabeth is a woman, but his small brain was probably muddled due to the situation, so I though I'd remind him.

10:58 PM – Would have continued my rant, but Barbossa interrupted, as he wanted to get on with killing Will. Not that I wouldn't mind being rid of the whelp, but I must intervene for the greater good (otherwise known as genius plan).


	6. Chapter 6

Still Day 7

11:18 PM – Have informed Barbossa Dauntless is outside. Have employed personal glory factor by saying Barbossa would get two ships if he attacked. (Fortunately, Barbossa not a useless sod; just really gullible.) Don't think I even needed to mention the 10 of plunder or him being Commodore for him to go along with it. But I was kind of getting into it, so I figured what the hell!

11:20 PM – Barbossa requested that he not kill the whelp. Very nearly yelled "Hell no! I don't want him!" But, unlike the whelp, I have a bit of self control. (That was the one time! And I was excited!) Plus, it gave me the perfect opportunity to use "opportune moment" line and to secretly steal coin. Yay, brilliant plans!

11:22 PM – Will thinks I've been planning the whole thing since I first heard his name. Obviously I haven't (Even I'M not that good!) but I might as well make myself look smarter for the victims. Easier to intimidate them that way.

11:23 PM – Damn Barbossa; made me give him 25 of my plunder instead of 10. (Even though I'm actually not giving him anything, part of me died a little inside.) Plus, have to buy him a bigger hat.

11:24 PM – Tried to order around pirates, but Barbossa didn't take to kindly to any of that. Hard ass.

11:25 PM – Barbossa has ordered pirates to take a walk across the water to the Dauntless…That's kind of weird…Oh well; on with the plan!

11:26 PM – I wonder if Barbossa'll let me keep any of this spiffy gold.

11:27 PM – Quite fond of large naked statue. Shall have to examine it to make sure I'm getting my money's worth.

11:28 PM – Barbossa has complimented me on my ability to make myself unpredictable by confusing people. Explained that this is because I am an unyielding, despicable, lying trickster, as opposed to Will, who is stupidly honest all the time. Followed this up by stealing other pirate's sword and giving it to Will. (Ironic really, as that was probably a stupid thing to do if he messes this up.)

11:29 PM – Will actually quite inventive, getting pirate to cut rope off his hands. Perhaps he's not that big a prat after all.

11:30 PM – As predicted, Barbossa quite miffed at me going back on buying him a hat. Even more so, as I slashed the feather on his current one in half. Told me to watch out for monsters off me map then shoved me into a wall. I think he's beginning to lose it.

11:33 PM – For a rotting corpse, Barbossa's pretty good swordsman. Too bad I impaled him!

11:34 PM – Damn; forgot he's immortal.

11:35 PM – Barbossa has yanked sword out of his own gut and shoved it into mine. (Disgusting, really; I probably have AIDS now!) Luckily, this did give me the opportunity to show off strategies by revealing that I had taken coin. To further annoy him, I pretended I didn't know why I was suddenly immortal. HAHA! Barbossa in a bit of a tiff, though. Still fighting.

11:36 PM – Keep jumping in and out of moonlight. Transformations actually quite uncomfortable. Keep feeling as though me whole body has fallen asleep.

11:37 PM – ACK! Tingly sensation when the feeling comes back totally unbearable!

11:38 PM – Barbossa took advantage of annoying tingly feeling and shoved me again. I'll show him!

11:39 PM – Have cornered Barbossa against rock. Go me! Tried to trick me into telling him what the rest of my plan was, as he's not to keen on us fighting forever because neither of us can die. Said if he wanted to stop so bad he can surrender his ass because I'M ON FIYA!

11:40 PM – Think that last line might have pushed Barbossa over the edge. Was running away to avoid more tingling and when he came barreling after me, he was actually CACKLING! I'm not even kidding!

11:41 PM – Still cackling. Yup; definitely lost it.

11:43 PM – Random pirate with smoking beard trying to blow up Will. Not yet, stupid! I still need him!

11:44 PM – How the heck did bloody Elizabeth get in here! Actually, yet again, she's much more useful than Will as she has whacked smoking pirate, keeping Will in one piece. Once again, plan is saved.

11:46 PM – Will and Elizabeth have blown up three spare pirates. Spotted Will running toward chest (Good job, Will! You didn't even need any instructions! What a big boy!), so threw him my coin. Barbossa saw me and made like he was going to shoot Elizabeth. But I beat him to it and shot him! FINALLY!

11:47 PM – Will wanted about a million years before saying his retort! But then he lifted the curse! YES! Barbossa has died. DOUBLE YES!

11:48 PM – Was Barbossa holding that apple the entire time?

11:49 PM – I can hear a bunch of people outside yelling "buzza". What the hell are a bunch of Rhode Islander's chanting bizarre for? Are they talking about me!

11:50 PM – Will going to talk to Elizabeth. Kid finally beginning to understand opportune moment concept! Perhaps I'll just "happen" to eavesdrop on the conversation.

11:51 PM – OOOOOO! Shiny gold thing! I want it!

11:52 PM – Nay, on second thought, not liking it so much. REJECT PILE!

11:53 PM – Elizabeth and Will glaring at me. Can't figure out why.

11:54 PM – After finding much more satisfying shiny goblet and quite fashionable crown, realized Will must have screwed up, yet again! Sauntered over with gold in tow and informed him how completely useless he is romantic wise.

11:55 PM – Pointing out Will's obvious failure then asking for a ride to my ship probably wasn't the best move, but he's going to do it anyway. However, if he gets all whiny about this, I swear I'll hit him.

11:57 PM – Will and Elizabeth took me outside. Rhode Islander's had apparently left. Unfortunately, so had my crew. Damn sods! Shall have to explain to Gibbs later that when I said "Keep to the code", I only meant to freak out Will! Bloody idiot.

11:58 PM – Well, I did kill Barbossa. That was the most important thing here...Right?

11:59 PM –Bloody hell; who am I kidding! I'm still not the captain of anything! AND I have to get hanged!

12:00 PM – Well, at least Norrington's having a good day! (Guffaw!) My life sucks.


	7. Chapter 7

Day 8

4:57 PM – Back in Port Royal. Was put in the brig the entire time it took to get here; typical. Fortunately, there was no leak. However, that also means no peep hole for to obtain any inkling of what's going on outside. Anyways, we sailed into port and Will went off to sulk in his shop with the donkey or something. Made a big show of puppy-dog-eyeing Elizabeth on the way off. Ick! After he left, Elizabeth and her Dad went home (Not before the Governor giving me the evil eye) and Norrington dragged me off to the prison. Said he would be back to tell me my hanging date, but he's been gone about a million years! He's doing this to annoy me, I know it.

6:32 PM – Norrington DEFINITELY trying to annoy me! AND he's succeeding! He has scheduled my hanging 3 days from now just to make me sweat. Stupid prig!

8:46 PM – Have received dinner of pre-chewed turkey leg and fermenting apple. Oh, but the cursed pirates can keep the apples fresh just fine! Oh well, I've eaten worse.

8:48 PM – ACK! Turns out the apple wasn't fermenting; it was made of dirt-latent wax. I WILL kill Norrington!

Day 9

6:22 AM – Have discovered why Mr. Big Wig's waiting to have me hung. Serving others and not only himself, my bloody ass! You will not believe this! Norrington is using me as some sort of side show attraction! There is actually a sign posted outside that says "Behold Jack Sparrow, scourge of the Spanish Bay! Newly captured by Commodore Norrington. Showings from 9 AM to 5 PM weekdays. (Please do not feed the buccaneer)." Notice how he positioned it just so I could see it from my window! AND he forgot CAPTAIN! AGAIN! Probably did it on purpose, the bloody sod.

9:01 AM – There is a huge line building up outside the jail. At first, I though everyone at the bar had had a revelation, but it turns out they're all here for those tours. I must be more well known than I thought.

9:02 AM – What am I saying? I don't want a bunch of idiots' geeking at me all day! As previously stated, I WILL kill Norrington!

9:30 AM – First tour scheduled; it is to take place in about 5 minutes for "the morning feeding". Honestly; I can't even eat my bloody wax fruit in peace!

9:37 AM – Tour group consists mainly of idiots from the bar, homeless guy's looking for a laugh, and children who have snuck away from school. They just stand there, like I'm a bloody giraffe, while Norrington stands off to the side and smirks. GRRRR! On the bright side, porridge/gruel/liquid doorstop isn't half bad. Better than wax, at least; much less chewy and doesn't make my tongue slippery.

9:39 AM – Some kid threw a rock at my head! That really hurt!

9:40 AM – Hey, that's no kid! That's the midget! I think he was trying to tell me something, what with the hopping up and down and pointing outside, but I wasn't sure because he bolted when I hurled the rock back at him.

9:41 AM – Norrington not happy with me throwing rock. Clanged on bars with stick and said "Bad pirate! We do not throw!" Complied by yelling long list of profanities at him. Teehee.

9:45 AM – Norrington has confiscated reminders of breakfast due my bad behavior. Tour has left. Going to go sulk.

9:58 AM – Sulking interrupted by jangling of keys. Probably Norrington come to confiscate my straw or something.

10:06 AM – Oh, my giddy aunt! Turns out jangling keys did not belong to a person. Rather an extremely greasy dog. And not just any dog, mind you. Oh no! It just happens to be the SAME MUTT who was on duty the last time I was here! How the HELL did Norrington find out about that! He is Satan's helper! There is no other explanation!

10:11 AM – Situation has worsened (if that's even possible!). Dog doesn't even have any keys. Just a really ornate collar. What is the point!

10:17 AM – Dog seems to be having a staring contest with me; which is very curious, as I'm not making any eye-contact with him whatsoever! Evidently it has nothing better to do than sit on his ass and watch me twitch from the awkward silence! Well, he'll soon be disappointed, as Norrington charges five shillings a pop for that.

10:24 AM – STOP! LOOKING! AT! ME! GRRRRR! Maybe if I hurl something at him, he'll run away. It worked with the midget.

12:03 PM – Though throwing thing plan didn't work quite the way I expected, have found that dog is actually quite effective as a form of entertainment. If I throw something behind him, he turns around and, instead of getting my original object; he becomes engrossed with his tail and chases it for about 45 minutes, his collar jangling away. Then I start the whole cycle over again. We were going for a record with 56 last time, but lunch tour group scared him off.

12:12 PM – What is it with these people and watching me eat! Honestly, they have less of a life than Will! Speaking of which, I wonder if he still "practices" 3 hours a day.

12:15 PM – Probably increased to four, seeing as Elizabeth's engaged now. Oh poor Will, to die a cold, lonely virgin…Actually, the idea of Will NEVER getting any is pretty funny. HAHAHAHAHA!

12:20 PM – Have invented spiffy way of avoiding food confiscation; step one: wait until small amount of food is left of original rations. Step two: taunt and/or throw foreign objects at tour group. Step three: stuff remaining food into mouth when Norrington reaches for it. If saving food for later is desired, replace step 3 by hiding food in the concealed place of your choosing, such as pants. (Note: This is not suggested, as later ingestion may result in scurvy or pre-mature death.)

1:00 PM – God, I'm so BORED! Now that dog has left, am beginning to realize how extremely dull it is waiting to be hanged.

1:45 PM – Can't be bothered.

5:02 PM – Norrington brought one of his stupid tour groups in again. Threw my water bowl at them. Great; now I shall be humiliated AND thirsty!

5:04 PM – That reminds me; I want some rum.

5:07 PM – Asked tour group if they had any rum. Some guy actually tried to give me some, but Mr. Prig Wig (Norrington) intervened with the "No feeding the pirate" rule. Pointed out that, being a drink, rum doesn't really count as "feeding", per say. Norrington responded by tossing the bit of bread that was dinner into a particularly rancid pile of straw.

5:12 PM – Tour group has left. Have come to find bread now has new dimension of flavor.

5:13 PM – Of rotting dung.

5:49 PM – Do dee do dee do. I think I'll drown myself in the chamber pot.

Day 10

5:48 AM – Woken up by ridiculous guard ranting on about marmalade and inkwells.

5:50 AM – Oh, silly me. That's just the voices in my head.

5:53 AM – Not that the confinement's affecting my brain or anything.

6:15 AM – Gah! I only have one more day, then I'm dead anyway! I can stick it out for 24 more hours.

6:47 AM – Or not. Due to popular demand, Norrington has extended tours from 7 AM to 8 PM! It's baffling how many people have turned up to bloody stare at me all day! I swear, if I get a hold of anything sharp, there's going to be a WAY more interesting show that yesterday.

6:49 AM – But then Norrington wouldn't be very happy, seeing as there wouldn't be any more shows available.

6:57 AM – Wait, I enjoy making Norrington unhappy.

6:59 AM – Now where could I get something sharp?

7:02 AM – Maybe if I ask someone in the tour they'll lend me their sword. It almost worked last time.

7:05 AM – Must have zoned out in thought, as have just realized large crowd has appeared in front of my cell.

7:06 AM – Also must have been subconsciously thinking out loud because most of them are either laughing hysterically or looking at me like I have three heads.

7:10 AM – Norrington still not giving me breakfast until 9, even though the tour is earlier. I'm just thinking of business here! Polls show that the public love watching me eat.

7:11 AM – Well, granted, that's only MY polls over the last 24 hours, but I don't see anyone else staging a bloody vote!

7:18 AM – Predictions confirmed; bloody tour group looking rather bored. Probably because I'm making a point of sitting cross-legged on the floor and staring blankly into space.

7:25 AM – Norrington has grumbled off with tour. Next one's scheduled at 9. I find it odd that that's a whole hour and a half from now. What the heck does Norrington need a bloody break for! All he's got to do is stand there! I'm the one who has to provide show stopping entertainment!

7:31 AM – Or it could be because the first tour was actually supposed to last longer than 20 minutes. In which case, mission accomplished!

8:03 AM – OK, getting hungry now.

8:25 AM – VERY hungry!

8:41 AM – I think I feel my stomach eating itself.


	8. Chapter 8

Still Day 10

9:07 AM – Breakfast FINALLY delivered. Along with tour. Poo. Anyways, it's same slop as yesterday. (And I actually mean "the same slop as yesterday"; it's gotten a bit stale and I think there are some flies swimming in it.) Trying to think of ways I can decrease the tours enjoyment factor.

9:10 AM – People seem to be ecstatic with the fact that I'm chugging down my gruel like nobody's business. (How else am I going to get it down without gagging?) Wait, I think I feel a thought coming on.

9:12 AM – Am eating breakfast all prissy like by sipping it daintily from bowl. Tour beginning to complaint.

9:13 AM – While method has worked, I don't think I'm going to keep it up much more without throwing my guts up. Bits of insects slowly flowing down ones throat is quite a sickening feeling. Even for me!

9:20 AM – Have once again successfully put tour running for a mere 20 minutes. Norrington has postponed next tour until 12. Anyways, they have left now, thank God! Icky, icky, icky gruel!

9:21 AM – Have polished off gruel.

9:24 AM – What do you want! I'm starving here!

9:45 AM – Hey, dog's come back for another game of chase the tail. (No collar today; suppose he got tired of prey knowing he's approaching) Have decided to name him Barnaby, as it might seem awkward if I keep calling him "dog". Come here, Barnaby. I have some delicious dregs of gruel for you.

9:47 AM – Oh…my…bloody…God. Why do I even bother? Every time I to start anything with this dog, I end up insulting it! I went to give "Barnaby" the last of my bloody gruel and guess who comes sauntering out from behind "him"? A titchy little furball, who happens to look exactly like "Barnaby"! Just what I need. I've confused the gender of one of my so-called connections!

9:50 AM – Puppy of Barbra (Shut up) is quite taken with my gruel. Has half its body actually in the bowl. Aw.

9:51 AM – I mean, Ew! Cuteness! Yuck!

9:57 AM – Oh geez. Pup has taken a liking to me. Has meandered into my cell and is staring at me with annoyingly huge eyes (Must be genetic). Anyway, seeing as there were no witnesses, gave him a pat on the head and put him back outside. Seemed to be what he was after, as they're both leaving now.

9:58 AM – Wait a second. Only Barbra's leaving! And the kid's coming back in! Oh no! No! I am not BABYSITTING mini mutt while mum takes a personal day! NO! NO! NO! NO!

10:17 AM – After much yelling and barking down the hallway, have given up on getting out of being puppy-sitter. Mini mutt having a grand old time playing hide and seek in my hat. Fan-bloody-tastic.

11:29 AM – M.M. (mini mutt) has finally figured out that my hat is not a playmate. It has now been christened a semi-lethal enemy. He keeps hopping around its diameter, stopping every 5 seconds to growl at it. There MUST be a better way to keep him amused.

12:04 PM – Lunch tour has arrived. Didn't notice them at first as I was distracted by M.M. Was having a bit of a game with him by holding a piece of straw just out of his reach. Snapped out of puppy-induced trance when I heard a bunch of women going "Awwww!"

12:08 PM – While I have not killed him yet, I am well on the way to morally destroying Norrington! YES! OK, so here's the story of my great triumph; after having a mad chuckle about the M.M. thing and handing over lunch, Norrington said, "Has the infamous Jack Sparrow gone soft?" Well, that was just OVER the line! Grabbed a handful of artificial peas and potatoes and threw it straight at his ugly mug! Took his wig clean off, it did! AHA! Unfortunately, Norrington got rather enraged and tried to stab me through the bars. But I was at the ready with my bedding! In 45 seconds, the entire tour was covered in straw, mud, and potatoes! BUAHAHAHA! REVENGE IS MINE!

12:15 PM – Realized after everyone, including Norrington, had run off screaming for cover, that I had actually used the entirety of my lunch as ammo. Damn. M.M. seems to think clawing his way into my lap will cheer me up. It isn't.

12:48 PM – Have decided to take nap and try to ignore the growling of my stomach. With any luck, Barbra will have picked up M.M. by the time I wake up.

1:13 PM – Jolted awake by horrid dream that Norrington was pouring mashed potatoes into my ear.

1:14 PM – Hardly; turns out M.M. was lying on the side of my head, having a bit of a snooze. Little git thinks my hair is some sort of nest.

1:27 PM – Stroke of good fortune. In his haste to run off like a pansy, Norrington has left his wig lying on the ground. Perhaps M.M. will prefer an unconvincing hair piece instead of my head.

1:31 PM – Was able to get a hold of wig by sticking leg through the bars and sliding it across the floor.

1:33 PM – HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is just too much! Norrington's mum has sewn his name in the hem of his wig! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh God! I think my appendix is going! HAHAHA!

1:46 PM – After laughing fit and the stitch in my side had let up, found that M.M. had dived into the straw pile. Sudden peals of laughter must have come as a shock. Anyway, fished him out and put him in his new bed. Still some potatoes sticking to it, but I don't think he minds much.

1:50 PM – M.M. seems to find wig-bed satisfactory. Quite adorable, really; all curled up inside. Plus, it looks way better on him that it does on Norrington.

2:04 PM – Apparently, Norrington was going to schedule an extra tour before 5 today, but due to my little episode at lunch, he has decided otherwise. Came in to inform me of this, apparently thinking I would care, and practically had a stroke when he saw what I'd done with his wig. Honestly! He's wearing another one just like it! I hardly think it matters if he has a spare!

2:09 PM – Asked Norrington what the big bloody deal was. Added that I figured he wouldn't want it now that the potatoes have probably set in permanently. He went beet red and said it was a rather personal item that he doesn't make a habit out of showing everyone. What the bloody hell is he going on about?

2:12 PM – Ahhhhh. I understand now! Norrington's embarrassed that his mum personalizes his wigs. HA! Let the exploitation begin!

2:16 PM – Said to Norrington, "Well, Nory, if it means that much to you, of course you can have it back. Wouldn't want your mum's fine needlework going to waste." I swear; steam came out of his ears! Started hopping about in his little boots, yelling about how it's none of my business what's in his wigs and I shouldn't be staging an examination on his private effects. Told him there was no problem there because I shudder to think what he's hiding in his current one. He stood there trying to look dignified for a moment then huffed off. All Nory's yelling has woken M.M. How rude!

2:20 PM – Oh dear. Seems M.M. has taken a leak in Old Nory's wig. Well, at least there's something interesting in this one now.

2:43 PM – Just realized that I'm still STARVING due to lack of lunch. Distracting myself by playing "chase the tail" game with M.M. Not quite as effective as with Barbra, as his tail's so tiny, half the time he doesn't even notice it.

3:35 PM – When it actually got through to him that a tail was present, M.M. kept up the chase for about 27 minutes before tripping over his own feet. Damn him for being so cute. I think I actually like him now!

4:00 PM – Barbra has come back. Apparently she is finished with her "me time". Anyway, she's not so bad. At least had the decency to bring some payment for my services. (God knows, after 6 hours with the runt, I deserve some!) Wages turned out to be a small box containing a lump of cheese and some jerky of unknown meat. PRAISE A DOG'S ONE TRACK MIND FOR FOOD! Was completely amazed that the cheese wasn't even moldy. (Come to think of it, I was also amazed to how she got the food all neatly into a box…Or where she even got the box in the first place…) Anyways, despite rather satisfying payment, was very sad to see M.M. go, as will no longer have anyone to keep me company. Little bugger also filled with deep sorrow, as he tried to crawl back into my lap. (Though, that also could have been because he smelled the jerky, but I'm going with the forerunner) In the end, he went off with Barbra, dragging his new bed along, which I gave him as a parting gift. Am distracting myself from the aching pains of loneliness by tucking in to my wages.

4:17 PM – Damn, this stuff is good! Jerky's a little on the smoky side, but other than that, this payment is much better than the other food they've been giving me. Though I am baffled as to why there's a piece of tape with "Frank" written on it stick on the lid of the box.

4:36 PM – I am baffled no more. Guard came barging into my cell, demanding to know how I'd gotten his lunch box. I knew Barbra was still out to get me for that gender confusion thing, the bloody wench!

4:42 PM – Guard not to happy with my "The dog gave me the box in exchange for puppy-sitting" story. Nor with the fact that I had actually eaten all the food already. Gave him back his box and he stormed off. Honestly; if you don't want a dog stealing you're lunch, you should have the sense to keep it somewhere out of reach! And for that matter, you should eat it at LUNCHtime, like everyone else in the world, NOT 4:45!

4:57 PM – Quite annoying getting blamed for something I didn't even do. I mean, it's one thing if I had actually stolen the lunch box! THAT would have made sense! God, I can't wait to die.


	9. Chapter 9

Still Day 10

5:04 PM – Not only have I gotten yelled at for no apparent reason, but another tour has popped in. Oh joy.

5:11 PM – Small girl at head of group is pointing at me and squeaking "Doggy! Doggy! Where doggy?" Apparently there hasn't been much big news lately if word of a dog in my cell is getting around that quick.

5:17 PM – Said to kid "Sorry, luv; doggy's got back with his mum." which I though was a perfectly reasonable thing to say to the little shrimp, _since she asked_! Evidently, I was the only one who thought so, because this woman waltzed right up to the bars and shrieked "Stay away from my daughter, you miscreant!" Then she grabbed the kid and stomped right on out! Well, really! I though I was rather nice to her little brat! There were no death threats involved, were there?

5:24 PM – Noticed Norrington quite nicer than last night in regards to dinner. For one thing, he did NOT throw my bread into a rotting waste heap. And for another, piece of bread was considerable larger than last night as well. Probably sucking up so I won't tell anyone what he's got in his wigs.

5:32 PM – Come to think of it, that'd make a great title for Nory's autobiography.

5:38 PM – "So They Won't Find Out What's in My Wigs" Has a nice ring to it. Hahahahahaha! I'm telling you, I slay myself!

5:47 PM – Couldn't control myself over that last one and broke into a laughing fit. A rather loud one. Most of the people have left.

6:01 PM – Girls remaining in the tour group have also left due to my trying to have a laugh by saying "So, which of you lucky lady's wants to be this picaroon's last cockswain?" They practically ran for cover even though I'm clearly contained in a box of iron bars! Quite fun taking advantage of those unfamiliar with nautical terms.

6:08 PM – Odd to think I quite literally asked if anyone wanted to be my last helmsman. (aka – assist me in maneuvering my ship) The ship of which I STILL don't have, by the way!

6:11 PM – Now that all the lady's are gone, I have to figure out how to get the rest of the tour to leave. All that's left are about 6 or 7 clearly drunk guy's, who are too bloody sozzled to be offended by much of anything.

6:13 PM – This one's harder than I thought.

6:18 PM – Oh, if only I knew the point of view of a constantly stone drunk, blithering idiot…Oh wait.

6:20 PM – If I were me, what would catch my interest more than rum?

6:24 PM – Got it; pretended to have seen something out my window and yelled "Look! A monkey playing the tuba in a frock!" They were out faster than the ladies. Can now see them searching frantically for the monkey outside.

6:31 PM – Drunks have given up search in favor of a rather enthusiastic chicken which has escaped from its pen.

6:35 PM – Quite discouraging that I took an hour longer than last time to scare the tour group off. It's the damn stale air in here; it's putting a fog on my former luster.

6:40 PM – Or it could be the toxic waste these people consider food! Turns out the larger bit of bread old Nory gave me was due to the fact that the entire loaf was burned through to the core! Didn't realize this at first due to being preoccupied with making plans to exterminate tour combined with the diminishing daylight. But after I nearly choked to death on the makeshift coal, it was a bit more obvious. Blech!

6:45 PM – Alright, I officially have one hour and fifteen minutes until my final tour. Have to make this one count.

6:49 PM – Do dee do dee do; brainstorming…Well, if anything'll make these people run off, it's if I pose some sort of threat to them. However, being locked in a large metal cell, this is easier said than done. One hour and ten minutes to go.

7:17 PM – Am beginning to come up with something. (Shhhhh; it's a surprise.) Shall need burnt dinner bread and a bit of this mornings water rations.

8:03 PM – Can hear tour shuffling down the stairs. Positions, men!

8:04 PM – One minute flat! I AM KING! BUAHAHAHAHA! OK, so here's what happened; Old Nory came in with the usual crowd. I had positioned myself strategically with my forward half out of the line of vision (aka- facing wall) and taken off my shirt. Then Norrington said "Honestly, Jack, there are ladies present; I'd think a fine miscreant such as yourself would show a bit of decency before his death." Then I put in my best fake cough and groaned "Well, I would, Norrington, sir. But I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit under the weather, you see? I do think it's a bit serious." Then I turned around, looking quite sickly, I'd say, and waited for the screams. See, I had used the burnt bread and water to make a fine looking paste, which I had dabbed over my chest and face, making it look like I had a sort of grayish rash. Then I began stumbling about, all dizzy-like, and moaned "Uuuuuggh; how do you know when you've got the plague?", and stage fell head-long against the bars. AHA! It was brilliant! They were running as if the whole place had burst into flames! The stairwell was a total traffic jam, them all trying to get up at once! CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW STRIKES AGAIN!

8:11 PM – This bread paste is actually quite handy as make-shift eyeliner. Much easier to obtain, rather than stowing away in Anna-Maria's trunk, trying to nip some of hers.

8:28 PM – It's kind of an empty victory, really. I mean, seeing as I'm going to die tomorrow. And, you know, I may have killed Barbossa, but I still never got my ship back!

8:29 PM – I think I feel a sob coming on.

8:43 PM – Actually, on second thought, I _was_ going to kill myself when I thought Will was more attractive than me. (Thank God I remembered that the universe has NOT come to a screeching halt!) And at that point, I didn't have my ship AND I hadn't killed Barbossa. I guess dying now's a better deal.

8:58 PM – But I'm still going to miss being alive, I suppose. The fresh air, the rum, the spray of the sea on your face, the rum, that feeling you get when you run a sword through a man's chest, the rum. It – It's all – so magical. E – E – Excuse me!

9:00 PM – Oh, bloody hell! Fake eyeliner stains! Damn; it's dyed horrid gray blotches all over my chest! Now I'm DEFINITELY never going to get laid again! Oh wait; it doesn't matter 'cause I'm dead. Never mind.

9:36 PM – Well, mustn't stay up too late. Have to be bright and cheery for my hanging tomorrow. (Whoopty bloody doo!) Norrington stuck his head in a second ago to say it's going to take place at high noon. I suppose he thinks he's being classic. He isn't.

9:44 PM – 'Bout to pop on off to bed. Just wanted to document my final will in testament in case somebody finds this diary after I die. Let's see, ship…no, don't have that. Sea chest…no, that's on the ship I don't have. Pistol, compass and assorted effects…hanging on nail which I can't reach. Shiny crown from cave…no, Norrington nipped that while I was sleeping on the ride over…Aw, screw it!

9:48 PM – Well, at least there's some comfort; these last two days have been the closest to a living hell that I have ever spent. So at least I'll have some indication of what it's like before I get there. (I'm dishonest, but not when it's that obvious!)

9: 50 PM – Hold on; if I'm going to hell, that means I'm going to run into the crew again, right?

9:51 PM – Oh geez, what if they try to kill me again? The "I'm already dead" trick didn't work the last time; I don't think I have much of a chance now!

9:54 PM – Wait; but at that point, I'll REALLY be already dead, so it won't matter. OK, OK, crisis over.

9:56 PM – But what if they don't know that?

9:57 PM – What if I try to tell them I'm already dead, but they don't believe me because I lied about it that last time!

9:59 PM – It's not my fault! I'm a dishonest man!

10:02 PM – I am never going to get any sleep tonight.

Day 11

7:45 AM – Actually, once I stopped conversing with myself, had surprisingly easy night, considering I'm getting hanged less than 5 hours from now. Have to go and pace around with I-don't-want-to-die face on, so Norrington'll think I'm already miserable and won't torture me first. Actually, I'm just happy to be getting out of this insane asylum they call a prison! More when I'm being hanged.

12:00 PM – Am being hanged. Now that I think about it, was kind of hoping to die a bit more dramatically than this. Oh well, I suppose a pirate can't be too picky about this sort of thing.

12:02 PM – Forgot…Captain…AGAIN! Honestly, it's just not worth it anymore!

12:05 PM – OH LOOK! Will's coming to watch me die! Well, actually, it's kind of obvious he's going to try and save me! At least he'd better be. If he lets me die, I will haunt him for the rest of his life!

12:06 PM – Is that a squirrel on his head?

12:11 PM – I have come to the conclusion that it's just an unnecessarily large feather in his hat. What kind of mutated bird did that thing come off of anyway! Wherever it is now, I hope it doesn't come here. We'll all be pecked to death in 3 minutes!

12:12 PM – I said I wanted a dramatic death, not a weird one!

12:15 PM – Will seems to be telling Elizabeth he's in love with her. TALK ABOUT A NEWS FLASH! No really, Will, you hide your emotions VERY well! (Did you catch the sarcasm?) I wish he'd stop playing captain obvious and save me already!

12:20 PM – Will saved me! Yay! Do hope he cuts the noose off soon; very hard to balance on sword, as is very narrow.

12:30 PM – Have escaped boring hanging death. Well, actually, first I almost escaped, but was surrounded by palace guards. Thanks to Elizabeth and Will, was then able to walk backwards and make daring narrow escape. (OK, so I didn't calculate the distance properly, and fell off the wall. The point is I'm not dead!)

12:45 PM – Have been made captain of Black Pearl! Not bad considering I was supposed to be hanged less than an hour ago. Well, I'm off to sail into the horizon. Drink up me harties, yo ho!

DO YOU LOVE IT! I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to do this. I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be posting an ending authors note chapter after I receive any questioning and/or arguing the plotline reviews, so I can give out the answers. So if you are waiting for a response to a review you issued, keep an eye out for it. Hope you enjoyed the diaries! See you soon!


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